I feel like crap. No, lower than that. I feel like crap’s crap. Utterly fucking horrible. Here’s why.

EJ invited me to the Men of DIC’s annual Midnight Barbecue some weeks back. Right off the bat, I was hesitant. I’d never really been to a party/get-together like that and I knew I would feel awkward. But I agreed, trying to convince myself that it would be a good experience.

So the weeks passed. I convinced Taurean to come along and even told him to buy a Hawaiian shirt because tropical attire was the dress code. The days crept closer. I had felt more and more confident about going.

I talk with EJ and he tells me the RSVP list is 222 people long. Two hundred and twenty-two. I suddenly get a chill. I pray to God not all those people show up. Taurean and I are in Target picking out Hawaiian shirts from the clearance rack. I’m telling myself Karsh, you can go through with this. It’s just a small get-together. Just a few people. No biggie.

Taurean and I are at my place watching One Hour Photo, and I’m so into it I totally lose track of what time it is. We get ready and make the drive down to DIC.

I’m still in the mental coaching stages. You can do this. You can do this. This will be a walk in the park.

We find the subdivision and my heart starts racing. I start rambling on about how we could really just leave and give them our regards later. But I felt like such a heel dragging Taurean down here and having him buy the shirt that I just went along with everything.

We found the house, and as we’re walking towards the place, I go into a cold sweat.

“This is it.” I swallow a hard lump of spit and press on.

We walk through the door into this huge, grand foyer. I immediately felt like I should’ve turned around and ran back towards the car. Taurean grabs my hand.

“C’mon Karsh. It’s not so bad.”

We walk downstairs and I’m greeted by a sea of men. Not just ordinary men, but fine, gorgeous, attractive, sexually appealing men. And I felt like I had no business even being here.

My heart starts beating faster and I’m getting short of breath. My vision gets a little blurry. I look around. Is that EJ? Maybe I should say something. No…he’s hugging someone. Maybe he’s busy. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. I manage to find a chair right near the door in case I need to make a quick getaway. Taurean starts chatting it up with this guy at a table near ours. He was breathtaking. Speaking of breathtaking, mine seemed to be gone. My vocal chords closed up and all I could do was look around at the bevy of beauty before me.

How come everyone is looking at me like that? Oh no, did someone just point and laugh at me? Don’t I know that guy? Didn’t he tell me I ate one too many porkchops when I showed him my picture online? Isn’t that the guy who shunned me a few weeks ago? What am I doing here? I don’t know anyone here! Even Taurean is getting some play. I begin tugging at my collar and sweating. God, I wish I could teleport back home.

“Karsh, are you OK?”

I must have completely blanked everything out, because both Taurean and the gentleman he was talking with looked at me like I was crazy. He extended his hand.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name…”

I got up, grabbed Taurean‘s hand, and made a beeline for the front door. When we got outside, I peeled off the Hawaiian frock to reveal my “Go Save Lives” T-shirt underneath. How apropos.

“Karsh, are you OK?”

I still couldn’t speak. I felt like the farther away I got from all those leering eyes and comments, the better I would feel. Much to his chagrin, Taurean drove me all the way back to NNP in Buckhead. The ride home was silent. All I could think about was how bad I felt for leaving like that and how much of a coward I was. Taurean tried to offer a lot of helpful solutions (what if you had met those people on different terms? what if we had gotten there earlier? what if…what if…what if….). I just felt horrible.

I got home, fixed a cup of peppermint tea, and laid down to rest.

If any of you who attended the party are reading this, I am dreadfully sorry. I am sorry that I acted like I did and that I didn’t get to meet you. I was really looking forward to it.

Again, I’m sorry. I’ll probably be taking a break from this blog for a while until I can sort some things out. Thanks.