The last time I saw Sperm Donor was about two years ago when I thought he was dying of a heart attack. Since then, I haven't been really actively trying to keep in contact with him.

Actually, I stopped right around thirteen or fourteen after the divorce, but why split hairs?

Anyway, Death to Shakespeare told me a few months ago that I received a birthday card from an estranged aunt in Cleveland. I told her to send it to me (if it had some cash in it), but really, I wasn't sure why I even asked. Since I was a kid, most of my relatives outside of my Alabama environs I had never even met. They were always tossed around during holiday conversations like fairy tales. And often, I would receive gifts from a great aunt what's-her-name or long lost uncle stranger-to-me, and I thought that seeing them in person would be an impossibility since we rarely left the city limits unless absolutely necessary. I had told myself as a kid than when I got older, I would find out where they lived and visit them.

Funny how age changes things — I don't give a crap about any of them anymore.

I was curious about the card I received, and so I asked Death to Shakespeare to send it to me. She had obviously been stalling on sending it, because it just came in the mail yesterday with this letter attached:

I talked to your father last week and he asked me to contact you for him. He is living and working (Federal Job) in Xxxxxx, GA. He would like to have some type of communication with you. His cell phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I know that you have strong feelings about him from the past but now that you are an adult, you should try very hard to put those feelings into perspective and move beyond any negative feelings you have from the past.

Your father is older now and really regrets all the times that he was not there for you and your brother. He cannot undo the past but he would like to rebuild a relationship with you know. Please forgive him. I did a long time ago. He's your father. He loves you and he always will. Keep this number. You may need him one day. Call him for father's Day and show him that you can forgive.

The woman can lay a guilt trip like none other.

Rather than just fire off another letter, I called and explained to her how I actually feel as opposed to how she's telling me I feel. Look at it this way: the man has consciously not been a part of my life for the past thirteen years. I don't even count the whole heart attack issue because a) I later found out it wasn't a heart-related issue and b) it was an excuse to spring my never-before-known little brother on me. Also, I came to terms with his non-existence a long time ago and don't harbor any ill will towards him. I just don't want him back in my life. The man was absent during my adolescence, wasn't around for my high school or college graduation and only taught me how NOT to be a good person. The point is, I've dealt with him my own way and don't wish to go back and try to "mend" it. It's already mended, as far as I see it. Seriously, the only way he can even start to show me how he feels is to buy me a laptop. Preferably a fully customized 15″ Macbook Pro, but I'll settle for a nice HP or Sony. It may not totally fix the situation, but it would sure mean a helluva lot. To me.

True to form, my mother is all "I didn't raise you to be this way" and blah blah blah. Click. I'm not trying to hear that.

However, her communiqué wasn't a total loss. With my great aunt's card was her address. Goal #99, here I come!