Officially, my last day at work will be on the 15th. However, I’ve already checked out of the position mentally since the first when I made the announcement. It’s not that I want to leave the people who I work with in the lurch, but I also don’t feel that much of an obligation to help out…especially because of Micro-Manager. Of course, I’m still waiting for the final showdown because I know she’s going to come after me before I go. She’s done it for the other two people who left the department in the past year, so I know it’s coming for both Goofball and I. These past few weeks have been very interesting…to say the least.

UNABASHED CO-WORKER HONESTY

“I’m surprised y’all are both leaving.”
“What is happening over there – people are leaving left and right!”
“Is Micro-Manager really that bad?”
“God don’t like ugly, and He certainly don’t like her ass.”
“Maybe Micro-Manager will finally come out of the closet.”
“Great, now that department’s going to be one big pulsing ball of estrogen and Diet Coke.”
“Well, you know she has issues with men because her father cheated on her mother. Mom forgave him, but she never did. And men in her wake have been dealing with that ever since.”
“You know before you came on that she threatened to quit, right? She pitched a huge tantrum, and got her way. I don’t think that will be happening now that [insert Georgia politician] didn’t get re-elected into office.”
“Now you won’t be one of the invisible men anymore. Congratulations!”

INVISIBLE MEN

With Micro-Manager out of town, Hortense and D.A.W.G. have been running things. Into the ground, that is. They both haven’t said much to me lately, which I consider a blessing. Same goes for Goofball. I sit in my office, crank the music up and get some work done. Since there haven’t been the usual barnyard grunts and snorts, it’s been pretty damn peaceful. But the biggest change has come when folks come through the department to speak to us as a whole.

Technically, it’s like we’re not even there.

Just the other day, Hortense was telling D.A.W.G. about how she’d be glad when we left because then Micro-Manager could split our salaries between the two of them. Sure, it might’ve been in jest, but considering how tongue-in-twat they already are with Micro-Manager, I wouldn’t be surprised if that actually happened. Knowing her, she’d justify it some kind of way that would involve the taxpayer’s money lining the pockets of two inept twenty-somethings.

Goofball turns to me and says “You know, I hate how they talk about us like we’re not here. It’s pissing me off.”

“Dude…let it go. From here on in, my motto is ‘rolling on positivity’.”

ROLLING ON POSITIVITY

After Tuesday, I will never have to see Micro-Manager again. I won’t have to hear her haughty laugh, see her beer-soaked sagging face behind her $2.99 drug store glasses. There won’t be any more of the animal sounds. I won’t have to fake like I like Hortense‘s awful crafts. I won’t have to pretend that D.A.W.G. is a good…well, a good anything. No more staff meetings spent listening to recaps of Will and Grace reruns. With Goofball and I gone, it’s like The View. Evilene is Barbara Walters, Captain Obvious is Joy Behar…and y’all already know who Rosie O’Donnell is.

No more doing a myriad of tasks so divergent from my job position that it takes me more than 20 seconds to describe what I do. No more upselling a crappy ass streaming video that they got conned out of $25,000 to produce and has barely turned 1/10 of that amount in profit. Make that 1/100th. It really sucks. No more making screensavers and catering to the Windows 98 crowd. And finally…no. more. GODDAMNED. Powerpoints.

I’m also deriving pleasure from speaking openly on my future plans while the flunkies squirm, grimace and give me the gas face.

What’s a guy not to be happy about?