There’s nothing better than coming back to work after being gone for three days to see four new hires in your department. Suddenly you realize that you’re no longer the “n00b” and can hopefully strike up some kind of conversation or workplace camaraderie since they’re new and you’re…well…a pariah. And pariah’s usually have to round up converts wherever they can.

Then again, there’s nothing worse when you realize one of them is in what used to be your cube.

I flew back into town on Wednesday the 15th. In order to give myself a little bit more rest, I didn’t roll into work at my usual crack-of-dawn time and opted to come in like the rest of the designers at 10:00am. I called my manager Brooding Velma and left her a voicemail to let her know I’d be in later. I come in, and there’s this tall, lanky dude with hair down to the middle of his back in my cube. My nameplate? Gone. The few accoutrements in my cube? Gone. So I walk over to my manager’s cube, and she looks up at me like she’s seen a ghost.

“Oh…umm…what are you doing here?”

“I’m here for work…and there’s someone else sitting in my cube.”

“Oh yeah, that’s Mexican Cher. We didn’t think you were coming back, so we cleaned out your cube.”

“You didn’t think I was coming back? You mean…like permanently?”

Her head jittered around her neck like a bobblehead.

“I put in my time off and it was approved…how could you think I left the job? Didn’t you get my voicemail message?”

“I don’t check voicemail, sweetie.”

Sweetie? Oh, this bitch is askin’ for it.


“Where is my stuff?”

“We threw it away…I told you we thought you left.”

“And who is we, exactly?” At this point, I am really trying hard not to get ten shades of Black up in here.

“Me and the other managers. I’m sorry; I guess we should have checked with your contractor manager.”

“Yes, you should have checked with my contractor manager.” Bitch.

“Well…hmm…well I guess we need to get you set up in another cube.”

“Don’t you mean you need to set up the new guy in another cube?”

“No…he’s already there and networked. I’ll see if we can find you another cube. Just sit tight for now.”

“Sit tight? I AIN’T GOT NOWHERE TO SIT!” And yeah, my ass was loud at this point. Bitch gon’ tell me to “sit tight”. Do I look like a labrador retriever to you? I went to see my contractor manager, Regina Grier.

“Hey…where you been stranger?”

“Well I went on vacation for three days, and I come back and I’ve been evicted from my cube!”

“What?”

“My cube…they put someone else in my cube and now I don’t have anywhere to work.”

“Is your manager Brooding Velma?”

“Yes.”

“See…” And she just let out a deep sigh and stormed out from her cube. I should be fortunate that she was just as fired up as I was when I told her this. Twenty minutes later, I got my cube back, and Mexican Cher was assed out while they went to go find him somewhere to sit.

“Oh, and don’t worry about your things being thrown out — the company will be reimbursing you $500 on your next check for that oversight.” I’ve gotta give it up to Regina Grier. But you know I was not satisfied. By the end of the day, I had Brooding Velma and the other managers written up for their “managerial oversight”. Brooding Velma is now out for a month on suspension. Not even six months in and I’m already making waves.

Seriously though…this is NOT my fault. How do you have an employee leave on vacation for three days and then come back to that kind of shit? They even threw away my li’l Buddha!

Now I got to chant a different mantra.

Thisisonlyameanstoanend. RememberyougetpaideveryFriday. Thisisonlyameanstoanend. RememberyougetpaideveryFriday. Thisisonlyameanstoanend. RememberyougetpaideveryFriday.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, eat your heart out.